Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself

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Another thing that I see a lot of is, and sometimes we don't think about this as a boundary issue, but not asking for help. Trying to do everything on their own. I talked to a few people who have of varying ages, maybe tried to do something in their house, like, stand on a ladder and do this thing, broke their ankle. Shortform note: Some experts believe that setting financial boundaries for yourself can help affirm your self-worth. These experts argue that by placing limits on your spending, you make a conscious choice to value your own happiness over the pursuit of material possessions. And, as a result of the choice to spend more responsibly, you’re likely to feel better about yourself. This leads to a virtuous cycle, where the less you focus on materialistic concerns, the better you feel about yourself, and vice versa.) How important is culture in teaching or not teaching us about boundary setting? What's been your experience with the intersection of culture and boundaries?

Thoughts of fleeing-"I wish I could drop everything and run away"-are a sign of extreme avoidance. Fantasies of spending your days alone, ignoring calls, or hiding means you are seeking avoidance as the ultimate answer. But creating boundaries is the only real-life solution. Yes. My biggest one is safety. So there are times in life where relationships are just unsafe. Sometimes physically, I've talked to adults who are being physically hit by their parents when they do something. And you know, they might be upset because they're your, your father or your mother or another family member that feels like it somehow reflects on them. How do you then go about handling the ancillary people in the family when you draw a boundary with one person? Because of this, Tawwab argues that you should always speak up when your needs aren’t being met in your close relationships. Speaking up immediately when your loved ones make you uncomfortable allows them to learn from the mistake and prevents resentment from forming. Tawwab argues that it’s especially important to explicitly state your boundaries in the workplace because your coworkers may not always know you intimately—coworkers whom you aren’t close to won’t know how you’d like to be treated until you tell them. Just like with loved ones, it’s best to communicate explicitly with your coworkers regardless of how close your relationships with them are. Give your coworkers the chance to respect you by communicating your boundaries in the office the same as you would in other relationships.

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Tawwab debuts with a comprehensive guide on how to understand and establish interpersonal boundaries....She identifies six types of boundaries—physical, sexual, intellectual, emotional, material, and time—and dispenses tips on how to uphold personal limits....Readers who follow Tawwab on social media and those who find setting boundaries especially difficult will appreciate the advice."

According to Tawwab, a common pattern in friendships is that one person ends up providing more emotional support than they’re comfortable with. Naturally, people complain to their friends about relationships, family, and work, but sometimes, friends can get carried away and unload too many emotions on one another. Yeah. Yeah. I, I hope that we can embrace the big need that we have to, to receive help from other people. I think independence is often celebrated, right? Like, you go from needing everything as a human from everyone else. You need someone to hold you to change your diaper, to feed you. And the more independence you get, the more you're celebrated, right? Like, “Oh my gosh, look at you, you're able to do this thing. Oh my gosh.”Nothing other people do is because of you. It’s because of themselves. All people live in their own dream and their own mind. Even when words seem personal, such as a direct insult, they really have nothing to do with you. Additionally, Tawwab notes that it’s easy to assume that you don’t need to communicate your boundaries to your loved ones because they know you well enough to understand how you’d like to be treated without having to be told. However, friends, partners, and family members can’t read minds, which means that, as always, it’s best to explicitly state your boundaries with them, regardless of how close your relationships are. Clearly setting expectations in these relationships not only helps you avoid discomfort, it also helps your loved ones meet your expectations and make you happy, which is almost always what they want.

And then when we finally set the boundary, the person is so offended because you’ve allowed them to do this thing forever. And now it seems like you're making this swift change when in actuality you've been upset for seven years. They just didn't know it. Also, your boundaries can shift over time, right? Shortform note: It’s important to recognize the distinction between boundary violations that occur naturally as part of an adjustment process, and violations that occur because the other person doesn’t respect your boundaries. When someone doesn’t respect your boundaries, they’ll bring the subject up again and again, questioning and arguing about your needs. On the other hand, when someone simply slips up, they’ll tend to react more apologetically, recognizing their own mistake.) I do find that to be the case, but I, I think as your psychology professor stated with mental health diagnosis, and we see this a lot online now, that you know, you'll see these listicles and you're like, “Yes, I have this thing.” But the part we're not factoring in is life impact, right? Like you can have, you know, symptoms of whatever, but if it's not impacting your life in a particular way, then it doesn’t meet criteria for you. Even when I'm talking about like co-dependency and enmeshment, I'm like, “Is it a problem for you, or do you love the co-dependent relationship? Is everybody, like, happily co-dependent?”When a major or minor boundary violation occurs, Tawwab recommends that you immediately reassert your boundary. If you’re not okay with how someone is treating you, speak up immediately. If you experience a major violation and the other person continues behaving in a way that makes you uncomfortable after you reassert your boundary, you may need to leave the situation altogether. So you give an example in the book where you're talking about a, a mother who's struggling to deal with one of her children who has an addiction issue, and she feels like if she sets any boundaries with this person, that they're gonna kind of spiral out of control and she might lose them forever. If you go to your sister and you say, “Hey, I'm telling you this. Please don't tell mom,” and your sister continuously does that, do you want to keep telling your sister? Do you want to tell her and be mad? Do you want to stop telling your sister? Lastly, Tawwab stresses that you should try not to blame yourself when your boundaries are violated. Instead, take pride in the fact that you’re doing the hard work of setting and reasserting your boundaries. No matter how much effort you put into setting healthy boundaries, some people may still choose not to respect them. When someone chooses to behave in a way that makes you uncomfortable, it reflects negatively on their character, and not on yours.

Shortform note: While major and minor boundary violations differ in severity, minor violations can still cause serious harm, and should be taken seriously. For instance, while they may be minor compared to other forms of aggression, subtle racial remarks known as microaggressions can negatively impact the mental health of their targets. When you’re repeatedly subjected to microaggressions, you may become depressed and experience diminished cognitive function and productivity. Thus, these minor violations are worth setting boundaries around.) So before the pandemic, people were, “So like every weekend I have a party, I have a this, I have a that, I have a this.” And I'm like, “You can say no to these things.” And people found so much pleasure in the, in the pandemic, unfortunately, just by being able to not have to go to all of these social obligations or even family gatherings.I feel like talking to you and, you know, engaging with your work, it must be the case that so many people come up and are like, “This is exactly me. Everything you said is me.” Like, you can't help but see yourself in your books and in the lessons that you, that you teach. Do you find that to be the case? Friends are your chosen family, and these relationships should bring ease, comfort, support, and fun to your life—not excess drama.”